Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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