You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You did what with his pubic hair?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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