i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
