Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
