the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
