Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
