Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
