cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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