R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
