oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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