i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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