I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
