I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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