just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The Olympian is in my bed
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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