drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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