wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
