Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
