You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
