Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
