you traded sex for a burrito?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
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I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
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"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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