My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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