If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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