I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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