I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
