he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
