my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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