this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
