You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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