I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
