im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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