there's paper in my vomit.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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