I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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