I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
