My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
