She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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