I will die if light touches me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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