Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Everyone says I win the strip club
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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