She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
