Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
