When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
