Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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