The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
