all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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