just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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