I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Randomize
