You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
