Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
