I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
