When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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