Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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