It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
