I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
