New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
