I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
