That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
