Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
