Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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