franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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