Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
