I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
