imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
