we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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