Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
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In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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