I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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