where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
